What do you say to someone who asks you “should I leave my husband?” If the biggest culprit in the marriage is selfishness and pride and not bullying and abuse, I believe the answer is no.
Dear Friend
I write this letter to say why you should stay with your husband. I know things have not been easy lately. The tension between the two of you has risen; financial issues have been seemingly insurmountably high; you are not on the same page as him; he doesn’t understand you or your needs and together the two of you are not coping.
But the pain of divorce is not worth it. While you may suffer, the children will suffer more. There will be different issues if you get divorced. You will feel their impact. Your children will feel the impact of their parents shattered marriage even more. They probably will (as I did as a child) blame themselves for your broken relationship.
Think carefully before you take this step.
There are sacrifices to be made in marriage and often-times the wife has to make the most of those. You may have to sacrifice your dreams in favour of his. You may have to sacrifice the desires of your heart, in order to accommodate the needs of your family. It was a quote out of a Focus on the Family programme that said, ‘perhaps marriage was designed not necessarily to make us happy, but rather holy.’ Maybe God instituted marriage to make us into better servants of one another. It’s not all about us. There are now other people we have to serve and a lot of the time it’s hard work and no fun, especially if they are not pulling their weight.
Sacrifice.
It’s not an easy word to come to terms with. To achieve a happy marriage, it may not be all that you have to do to get one, but what you have to give up to get one. Dying to self is the hardest part of achieving a happy marriage. Putting the other first. Humbling yourself to allow him to do what he feels is best for the family. Giving him support as the head of the home.
It’s not easy. Not for you. Not for me.
Marriage was never going to be easy. While we live as sinners in a broken world, the fight for marriage takes place on a battleground of pride and selfishness. To succeed in winning the prize of a happy marriage, you have to take up the weapons of sacrifice, humility and love. Giving up your own rights to support the other. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
I believe your husband has to do the same. You are working on win-win. There has to be mutual sacrifice.
Everything in marriage has to be negotiated. Financial provision, division of labour, where to live, how to live, what furniture to buy, what car to drive, sex, communication, endless decisions about all the details of life. No longer are you single and only have your own opinion to consider, now there are two of you and when children come along, the responsibilities rise. I know it’s not easy. The husband doesn’t dominate the wife. The wife doesn’t dominate the husband. There has to be compromise. You do it because you love one another and want the best for each other.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
There is a season for all things and if the two of you stick it out, the time will come where you are able to do more of what you both want to do. Research shows that if you keep going for 5 years, you will be happy you didn’t get divorced. Every marriage has ups and downs. Ride out this storm, for fair weather is ahead.
God is with you. He loves you, exactly as you are, in the situation you are in and He longs for you to be happy as a couple. So cling to Him, seek Him first, trust Him for all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Hang in there.
Everything will get better.
Keep the smile going.
God bless you.
In His Love and in His Grip,
Helga xx